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Ron Faircloth Answers Your Questions

Ron Faircloth
10 May 2010

ronfairclothWell, the time has come for the first ever advice column from Ron “The Blunt Instrument” Faircloth. This week’s column focuses on a potential matchup between himself and Pat O’Malley, sailing, and Anderson Silva.  Enjoy.


Our first question of our advice column comes from John H. The most hated John on the underground.



How do i learn have to navigate the open seas on a sale boat and when someone steals a Scottish guys deodorant what do I say?

John H.


Well John you have come to the right place for this two prong multifaceted question. I'm going to break it down into parts to help you understand where I'm coming from.


1) It is sail not sale you glass taster!!!!


2) As you know John, I've spent time on the big water and navigation is the hardest part. I would recommend using a Sextant as opposed to a Davis Quadrant/backstaff. Where they both let you measure between celestial objects and the horizon, the Sextant allows for direct observation of the stars. The backstaff is hard to use at night. Or use a GPS which is like watching your trip on TV....Or like the last time you went sailing with me, just wait long enough and the Mexican coast guard will come and tow us in. I just figure they know where they're going.


3) If someone steals a Scots deodorant you don't say anything at all, you listen to him say. "Help...Help I thunk sumone stole my fookin doederant. Have yooo seen me doederant? If you see me doederant pleese geve et back, I need my fookin doederant.


The next question comes from Chris P.



There are those that wake up everyday and think to themselves...  "I am a MAN"  And if anybody disrespects this awesome manliness they will surely die.Then there are others that wake up and think to themselves "I am a FIGHTER"  and if anybody disrespects my awesome fighternessess, they will surely die.What would be more disrespectful...  receiving a KANCHO and disrespecting a mans manliness. Or someone like Anderson Silva clowning in the ring as if he is in an old spice commercial?This question comes from Anderson Silva's post fight interview when he stated that Damien did not disrespect him as a person, but disrespected him as a fighter.It seems to be clear that Anderson Silva has two separate identities for himself and each has their own ego, values, and tolerance.Thoughts?
-- Chris Piper


Chris, I'm smelling what you're stepping in my friend. I would rather have six people poking fingers into my poopsmile than one man beating me so bad he has time to dance around and play games.


In my day and training with the fellas I train with, I've had/been part of several of homo-erotic assaults. All of which I've recovered from rather quickly. Most of them I gently laugh about when they come to mind.


I feel that if I'm a fighter by trade(do you think we are called fightwrights? Like a boatwright or a millwright?)and I am getting tuned up so bad that my opponent can mess around and play games. It's going to do damage to my whole psychic apparatus. All three parts will be laid to waste and I may not recover. I'll have to rethink my career choice and hang my head. Therefore by clowning he has destroyed the fighter and taken his manliness. Well played by Anderson.


In closing Anderson Silva is badass enough he could name the other half of his ego Alice and nobody would say squat. Well nobody except the keyboard killers from the Underground. Also the guy from the Old Spice commercial might be the coolest guy on the planet.


I hope this brings light to your darkness Chris.


Next our friend Kenny L. writes.


Mr. Faircloth I need your advice. I was out at the bar a while back for the 2 year celebration. I spent some time with a guy named Gabe. At the close of the evening, Gabe and I had a magic moment and shared a beautiful long kiss. We then parted and now when I see things are awkward. I would like to relive that moment again. How do I reconnect with him?

Kenny L.


Well Kenny, I feel that you did the right thing coming to me with this. It's best not to bring this up where people who know this person might see it. This Gabe guy might not be comfortable.


I say go for it. Put it all out there and see what happens. Be prepared as you may not receive an answer you want. It's better to know for sure right?


If you get rejected you can always try high amounts of alcohol, alcohol with Flunitrazepam, or force. I feel if you combine these things you'll get the result you want.


Our final question this week comes from James C.


My Dearest Ron :),

I'm a huge fan and former fighter myself but I am in need of your worldly advice...

1. Is the mullet coming back?

2. Who is better looking Pat or Demian?

3. When you fight Pat in the finals, as I'm sure you will both be there, will you to finish him with a Stone Cold Stunner, Figure Four Leglock, or one of your other patented finishing moves?

James C


1)James my friend and fellow student of all things badass we all know the mullet never fell from styles grace and therefore can't, nor has to, make a comeback.


2)As for who is better looking between Pat and Demian, I'm going to say they both have their strong points. Pat being more rugged, and Demian being hairless/prison popular. So it's up to the user which is better. I'd recommend putting up pictures of both of them in your bathroom, above the lotion.


3)I plan on stopping Pat with the flying butt pliers.


Thanks people and I hope this helps. Send all questions to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it There are no wrong questions and nothing I don't know.


Ron Faircloth MD.

Last Modified:
10 May 2010

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